I said YES!

What a surprise! My true love, baby daddy, and best friend proposed while I was on vacation in Sedona with my Mom. The planning took months and involved pretty much everyone but me. So there I was dumbfounded, elated, and totally taken by surprise in one of the most beautiful and spiritual places on earth. I said yes, in front of both of our families, but most importantly, our family, baby Declan. Commitment never felt so sweet.

Happy Birthday Dad

Tonight I celebrated you and your birthday. Baby, me, and some amazing apple pie...with ice-cream of course.

Baby has been kicking up a storm today...is there some spiritual tickling going on? I believe you've had something to do with that. 

I love my baby so much, it kills me that I don't get to share this amazing experience with you. In this realm anyway. But I know you're here as often as you can be, and without fail, whenever I need you. 

Rory says hi. 

I love you dad

'Quickening'....My Summer Solstice 2014

Or so that's what they call it.  I call it physical whispers of love from the inside. Or, tickles from
your elegant movements, my Baby my Love.

Oh what a trip this is. Only within the last few weeks have I felt your tiny body move within me. It's the most precious beautifully amazing feeling my body has ever experienced. Your sweet wee existence has already made such a grand impact on my life. So much love, excitement, and pure joy is all around me because you are here.

How appropriate that today is the The Summer Solstice.

“Summer is a celebration of the earth incredible bounty! Summer is a festival of this inner fire/power, the power that makes abundance and nourishment grow from tiny seeds.”

“The power that brings things to fulfillment, and expands and brightens our lives, that makes good things come from seed ideas and plans. And the warmth of the sun and the long, hot days continually remind us of how good it is to find a balance between intense activity and lazy, idle hours doing nothing.”

“Summer teaches us patience. The fruit is green until it’s ripe and you just can’t rush it. Something of the slow, sure rhythm of the time will enter into us if we let it; no, we can’t hurry things, but if we just relax and let go, things will reach their fullness without effort or ego’s striving on our part.”

“And as we watch the ripening and flowering and fruiting all around us, we can’t help but be moved by and grateful for the generosity of the Earth Mother, who gives says what we need so unstintingly. Summer is a perfect time to discover our earth connection; by receiving her gifts with respect, taking only what we need, and doing what we can to minimize our impact on the delicate balance of the planet, we strengthen and nourish the bond we were given a birth with the great parent who sustains us all.”                                                                    Cathy Lynn Pagano

Our next new chapter, filled with so much unknown... Where will we live? Am I exercising enough? Should I eat more fruit? What kind of parents will we be? Can you feel how much I already love you? 'Relax',' let go', and 'allow'. 

Tonight I celebrate this incredible being that is growing daily within my womb. That you my Babe, are safe, warm, nurtured,  and that you know and feel you are loved. Always. The rest, I'm sure will follow.

Dad

I miss you more than I ever could have imagined. And, you can't prepare for the unimaginable. Life has completely been altered in such an enormous way. The void is huge, the pain, mostly unbearable. Even the most happiest moments are clouded by a sadness while you are not here to share.

Today would have been your birthday. I remember last year our visit in Saskatoon. I took you to Earls. The red hat ladies, mom, good wine, good times. Your impatience with the photo I wanted of us. I actually don't have one of you looking at the camera with me as you were so distracted by those Red Hat Ladies....until we invited them into the photo ;-)

Mostly... I just wanted to say Happy Birthday

love connection vulnerability

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.” CS Lewis

Facebook Delete

After things don't work out with your date of.....lets say 6 weeks. Is it appropriate to delete them from your facebook account?

At first I hesitated to the point of ambivalence. But now I am leaning towards pushing the eject button. I guess it comes down to do you want this person privy to your personal life? Your daily happenings, new 'friends', pictures, and social calendar? Its actually a bit creepy when you consider facebook stalking and how much information they have access too. Not to mention your access into their life. How is that doing in your quest to move on?

I've argued it all with myself. Not wanting to look like I care. Considering all the other 'friends' I have let into my facebook life...including some of those I'm embarrassed to say, I don't even remember meeting. But those random friends from high school or current friends of my sister, who lives in Saskatchewan, are arguably harmless. This is someone who I was once intimate with...who I am no longer intimate with...who is not a part of my life anymore.

I have to admit I've never deleted anyone before. Its true. I've been deleted it sucks. It hurt my feelings. I never confronted this person....mostly because I never cared enough. This whole ponder feels childish, but yet in today's social media dominated world...a worthy etiquette question.

I'll keep you 'posted'

My Chicago Top Ten

Top ten reasons why Chicago is the the most underrated city in America

10. Amazing food
  9. Art
  8. Famous architecture
  7. Shopping
  6. Left winged friendly peeps
  5. 24 hour fresh tacos
  4. Pizza
  3.  Lake Michigan
  2. Classic grungy blues bars
  1. Standing ovation reception from men just for  walking by x2

Thanks Jana for the best Birthday weekend getaway this gal has ever had! Love you!

Fuck Cancer

Today was.....let me just say this...I kicked my shoes and boots clear across the room...like about five or six times. I just kept kicking them until they were scattered across the floor....

They say you hurt the ones you love the most.

I got into my car and sobbed...all the way to Luna Blue, my favourite store where I thought I would find SOMETHING to make me feel better. Of course not. Nothing can help the fact that I'm losing my Dad.

What do you wear on a date with a Stunt Man?

I'm getting getting ready for a date with my friend Markus and his brother Justin. Yep, that's right a tri-date. Justin and I have never met and Markus thinks this is the most comfortable way for us to meet. I disagree, but am trying to stay open.

Once before, many years ago, I was set up in a similar way...few friends, less uncomfortable, and coincidental it was the same place.  Well this ended up being in my top 5 worst dates for sure. Justin was late, but his five closest friends were not. They got to know everything about me before I even finished my first drink. Then when Justin finally showed up, so did his 20 friends from ? high school, Saskatchewan? I'm not sure but it felt like I was at a high school reunion, including the x-girlfriend  announcing her engagement to the better man she broke up with Justin to be with. When I found out Markus's brother had the same name. I mostly laughed.... but I'm not gonna lie, warning bells crept in and silently rang.

What great practice for seeing things with fresh eyes. Staying open to possibility and love is hard especially when we all have past experiences packed away in bags. Leave the luggage behind. Its not to be carried or disguised in pretty colors and textures. Inner wisdom and intuition is all that is needed. Plus a credit card for a possible quick get-a-way. Perhaps all that is needed on my date with a stunt man. But I might bring my helmet just in case.

I can't breathe

Six feet Under

Remember that show? So Brilliant, so real. Up close and personal with Death, which really is the part of life that no one wants to ever speak about. The ultimate goodbye; the birth of a legacy.

I remember personalizing myself with several episodes and finding great life lessons in others...

Don't leave anything unfinished.  Don't let important words go unspoken. Spent time with those you care about now.  Be vulnerable.  Be mindful. Cherish precious people and moments. Don't take those you care about most for granted. Don't wait. If you can choose between being right and being kind; choose kindness every time. Always say 'I love you'

I love you Dad. 

Rapture

Likely not, but why not hit the bucket list anyway....do something that scares you.....tell someone you love them...be present in every moment

Evolve

The one thing in life we can count on is change. The sun continues to rise and fall each day and night like breath by moments. With such familiarity you'd think making shifts would be slightly comfortable. Fear gets intense, interesting....annoying. Or is it the unknown that is annoying? The perception of lacking. We really only have control from one moment to the next - everything else doesn't exist - No that's not true either. It forms our thoughts, ideas, dreams, and creation. Hmmmm, control seems to be starting to seep into my manifesto. Or is the fear a dream coming true? Change is all around me right now. EVERYWHERE. Its what I want. It's what I see. It's fucking kicking my ass...........Interesting for me, I've been watching someone close to me lose an incredible amount of weight. So far already it looks like she's shed another person. I get to see her often, so I'm privy to this amazing metamorphosis of mind, body, and spirit. It's so tangible. Possibility transforming right in front of me. What a gift. Sometimes I'll just be going about things, as you do and then I'll find myself knocked over and moved to pause in awe of this unfolding incredible event. Shedding layers, emerging light, moving freely from sleep and darkness............. I've missed me. I don't even know where I was. All I know is I'm back, and I won't go away again. I promise to stay connected.

sigh

man does it feel good to breathe.......... a not nearly as simple as you'd think moment. rush........ flows longer than you'd like sometimes. so busy that I don't even know what my busy is about. .....then what? .....watching the slow and curious process of nature. unwinding unfolding deciding its story of what is and will be. Go

CBC shows us some good biased journalism

I am so sad, disappointed, and well frankly, disgusted with CBC - Marketplace. Erica Johnson is not only extremely biased in this story, but down right rude when talking to anyone who uses or believes in Homeopathy. Despite several attempts made by ND's and Homeopath's to explain the theory behind this traditional medicine, they were either cut off by her or it hit the cutting room floor - it was never explained. If you have any intention of watching the segment, notice how differently she treats Western MD's vs the Homeopathic endorsers. Also interesting how there is no mention of the ill effects Vaccines or other western pharmaceuticals may have. This is reporting? Even more disgusting, they conducted an 'experiment' using self proclaimed skeptics to overdose on a variety of remedies. This completely misses the point, intention, and use of homeopathy. Shame on you CBC!

Idea vs Reality II

Been thinking about this a lot. How often times we can let our expectations take over....the idea. We then tend to stop paying attention what is really going on....whats real. So involved in the stories we create in our head that we lose sight of the present moment. This can occur all to easily when dating. You get caught up in what you want to see, create, and feel. For sure these are important things to consider, but the downfall comes in when we start to ignore what we don't want to see. AND...when we continue to wait for it to get better....

So how do we let go of expectations?
Jon Kabat-Zinn teaches the concepts of 'acceptance' and 'letting go' as part of the pillars of Mindfulness or being in the present moment. Acceptance involves seeing things as they truly are in the present. The alternative is spending much of our energy trying to force something to be different, aka: beating a dead horse, or as a gal I work with calls it, 'feeding the hope bear'. By spending our energy trying to force something to be different actually can create more tension and prevent positive things from occurring. This does not mean abandoning your values and principals, it simply means no longer resisting.

Letting go, is similar to me, but feels more difficult. Often our minds get caught up on a certain thought or idea, even though we KNOW no good can come from it. Or we become attached to what we perceive as a desired outcome. This not only takes you away from what is, but can lead to more dissatisfaction as well as further disappointment.

Well I'm sure ready to let go of my disappointing dating experience. I think I've fattened up the 'hope bear' and am ready to put it on a firm exercise and diet regime.

the idea vs the reality

So often is the case, for me, it has been about blogging. I have had so many adventures - well everyday is an adventure, for sure every weekend.

I am turning ideas into reality. First, by actually blogging.....this year

Happy Chinese New Year.....especially to you Rabbits!

tired

That I am so. Cold too, but who is complaining? I have a belly full of the best soup in the whole world, thanks be to Dave, and now....a warm cup of tea. I leave in 6 sleeps. I am too tired to be overwhelmed and too aware to not feel blessed.

The Calgary Fringe Festival

I believe my 3rd unpaid TV commercial. Perhaps I should get an agent?

Solstice 2004

Well today marks the shortest day of the year here in Australia, the entire southern Hemisphere for that matter, and you, my smiling peeps, are enjoying the longest. I hope your all out somewhere dancing in the light.

I am enjoying my solstice with a warmish Victoria Bitter, small ceremonial  bedroom dance, quaint moments of solitude. Plaid tongued devils playing an intimate concert in my headphones-how could I not dance, and you, of course

It's warm here, sunny, beautiful. chilly at night, the weather feels like camping in the Rockies, following your breath, scarves, and good conversation.

I just came back from a weekend at Byron Bay, Lismore, and Nimbin. Can you tell? Driving back into Brisbane, I couldn't help but feel like something was wrong. Or have I been on holidays too long? Indonesia feels far gone, Mornington, ages ago, home....

So, the crossroads, I'm scratching my head.The paradox of decisions and questions, answers and doubt. The perfect winter solstice. Reflection and Rebirth.

Music needs to be a part of everyones lives. It's true.

Paying attention is sometimes scary, but so is a brick wall. Head banging at it's very best, most rockin, can only be temporary.

Selfish acts could the most misunderstood gift.

letting go, is simply accepting, not the cessation of love

Often we hide behind the truth more than we present ourselves to the mirror. I don't like that one.

Having nothing can be everything, as everything could be nothing. Which by the way I just realized fits the equation from my Philosophy 369 class A + B =C therefore B+C must = A in any argument. try it.

I am missing you all, having wanderlust adventures,  and loving hearing from you, I wish you all a most memorable solstice.

Letting go, is simply accepting. not love cessation. I like this one.

Indonesia from a Single Girl's Perspective

Wow

I don't think we are in Kansas anymore Toto, and no, I will not eat you for supper (bad joke I know, but one of my Balinese drivers started it)

So everything is beautiful here, it smells like sweat and incense, I think I've found heaven. Right down to the Mango juice I just finished. I have been here for 4 nights be me wee lonesome, initially I had thought it would be three. I tell you being a single white female here, ain't easy. "Why you here alone? how old are you? you are very pretty? you are very rich" Can be quite intimidating, and bothersome. But with all do respect to the culture, and a healthy wariness, I will not live in fear.

Yesterday I drummed. With some Balinese/Javanese boys, and then all was right and one in the universe. I swear, drumming is universal, and so is the effect on the soul. After I got a tour of where they make the drums, I used an authentic (dirty) Indonesian toilet, and spent hours talking about love and spirit, you know, as life should be.

Don't worry mom Shamek arrives tonight.

Love to you all, my peeps, and to the universe. May you all drum.